I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
sex in a hospital.. check
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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