Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
