I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
