life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
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His new job just became new places to have sex at.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.