upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
