i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
