Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
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