I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
