if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
