smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
