I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
