Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
