She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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