I puked a lego.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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