We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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