i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
