put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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