Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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