Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
