I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
