In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
