Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
