Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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