i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
