The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
