Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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