I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
