Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
