***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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