You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
