I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
