and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
