last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
