My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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