Porn is love you can see.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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