hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
