i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
