I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
