I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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