the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
