I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
