I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
