I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
