I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
