If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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