Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
