Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
