I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
