spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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