hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
