I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize