6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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