Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
