My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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