i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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