So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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