i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
