just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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